Musings at 2AM

by Isadora Petrovsky

My ex didn’t believe in essential oils

But I like the smell

Cold brew coffee with agave

Ice with a shot of milk

Slips down my throat with antidepressants

Never thought I’d say that

Also didn’t think I’d be up this late

Funny world. 

The one where people die for equality

And still don’t get it

You don’t need religion or spirituality 

To believe people have souls

Though I guess it’s hard

With humanity showing it’s true colors

No one said even the good were perfect

Still human

All still human

Smells familiar find me a lot

I forget where they are from

Distant memories 

Masked by years 

Of a clouded brain

I seem happier

Taking pills to boost what I don’t have

 I’ve written more

Been more productive

And all of that

I accomplish

Yet, I do not.

Days fade in and out like dreams

Time is irrelevant.

My ex is a boy cloaked in a man’s body I never even met

I said it was me,

But it was a lot of things

Little lies we tell others to make them feel better

Little lies we tell ourselves

Be happy with what you have

Wait it out and see what happens

One must understand 

That I am unsatisfied

Insatiable 

I take in all of it and need more

Never enough

Is this world of humans

A glass of cranberry juice every morning

A second when you forget the meds

I’ve gained weight in quarantine 

That’s no surprise

I battle with trying to get myself to exercise

To love my body the way it is

Fix my mental health

And enjoy the skin I’m in

Perhaps meditation seems stupid to you

But it helps me sleep

Is this too real?

Will

Someone

Ask 

If 

I’m okay?

I mean come on. 

What do you expect me to say? 

The truth is I’m working on it, but I’m already doing better

I need to be patient with myself

And push back harder 

When things get rough

I need to go to bed earlier too. 

Another day 

Another chance,

Smells like the oil I use for perfume.

Author

post.bottomline@gmail.com

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